Forever and ever and ever
by Pforte
Summary: He was a beautiful, dazzling angel and she was just so ordinary. - Sometimes a pink and fluffy happily ever after is just too much to bear. This is a parody of Twilight badfic and the series itself.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight. The Twilight universe was created by Stephenie Meyer and consequently belongs to her. Numerous references to other literary works and pop culture are not mine, either. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Note:** I've been writing on this for several months. It started out as a parody of Twilight badfic in May and then developed into a parody of badfic and the series after Breaking Dawn was released. Funnily enough, several parts that may remind of you BD were in fact written before the release and are referring to badfic.

* * *

**Forever and ever and ever**

"You look stunning," Alice complimented Bella. She was, of course, woefully mistaken, since Bella was the embodiment of mediocrity. Well, not mediocre per se, just very, very ordinary – if one put aside the fact that she was the only person whose mind Edward couldn't read and that she was the sole reason the resident mythical creatures broke a treaty that had lasted for decades. But other than that and the strange appeal she had on every man between fourteen and forty she was absolutely and utterly normal. An ordinary girl clad in a stunning, specially ordered and unique period wedding dress that cost a fortune.

Alice brushed Bella's long, brown locks and giggled. "Are you nervous about tonight?"

"Tonight?" Bella asked, confused. She sat in Alice's room at the Cullens' house and let her friend dress her up.

"You wedding night," Alice clarified, used to explaining every little detail to Bella. She was smart but not in the usual way.

Bella blushed™ and replied, "A little." Luckily, she had no idea what exactly was awaiting her. Brought up in one of the biggest cities of the US, Bella's concept of sex was rather nebulous and influenced by _Seventh Heaven_. She was certain that it required nudity and lots of kissing. Having Edward's stone-cold™ body pressed against hers in all his opaque-white glory was her idea of paradise. She would prefer having a thermal blanket – just in case – but asking Jacob seemed out of the question if she wanted to see any action. And Edward was ready at last. Just the night before he had kissed her long enough for her lips to go numb. He had apologised profusely, unsure whether the cold or his venom had been paralysing her. Fortunately, it had been the cold. After an agonising two minutes, in which Edward berated himself for endangering and ruining Bella's life, he decided not to ruin it further by leaving her on her wedding day. At this point, Bella had started breathing again. She could hold her breath for a full four minutes now before losing consciousness. It was an ability that came in handy every now and then, especially for a girl who was prone to falling into rivers. Or just fall, really.

"But there is no reason, right? Because Edward is good at everything," Bella chuckled.

For a split second, a dreamy smile appeared on Alice's face. "_Yeah_." She cleared her throat. "I mean, yes, I took a peek and chances are that you'll survive intact and have your first kinky experience."

"Huh?" Bella asked, blushing™ again.

"Erm, you do like popsicles, yes?" Alice smirked. A few very long seconds later the penny dropped.

"Makes sense," Bella admitted, her face magenta red by now.

Alice squealed and danced about clapping her hands with joy™. "Oh, you two are clearly made for each other!"

Bella beamed at her soon-to-be sister and would have hugged her if she hadn't been afraid of tripping over the hem of her wedding dress.

"Everything is going to be perfect™. You're going to trip thrice and a fluffy bunny will die in the process but, I'm telling you, the hairball had it coming. Or will have." Alice shrugged.

"Alice," Bella started, blushing nervously, "do you think that Edward will love me forever?" She had talked about this with Edward himself ad nauseam but couldn't find it in herself to trust his reassuring words. He was a beautiful, dazzling angel™ and she was just so ordinary. Yet, he had fallen in love with her, as inexplicable as it was, and perhaps he would fall out of love with her just as inexplicably in a few months.

Alice frowned. "Bella, I know you're worried about this and I understand your insecurities and your jealousy but there is really no need. If he was attracted to beauty alone he would have fallen in love with Rose a long time ago. But Edward is deeper and more complex than that. He is the only heterosexual man who has ever resisted Rosalie's charms and this alone makes him special."

Bella felt tears welling up, clouding her vision. "But she was made for him and she is so beautiful."

"Only outwardly. Rosalie doesn't know anything about self-respect. She defines herself through others and how they see her. That's why she's so shallow and that's why she never developed an interest in anything apart from herself."

"Wait, I'm the same," Bella said with a frown. "I have no interests beside myself and Edward. Only I'm not nearly as beautiful."

"Yes, but luckily, Edward cannot read your mind," Alice replied with a grin. "And only blondes are shallow. You read books and stuff."

"That I do," Bella replied, suddenly cheerful. She read every book on her high school reading list – twice because Forks was nowhere near as advanced and exciting as Phoenix, having fewer inhabitants and less crime and all that.

While Alice helped her with her make-up, Bella did what she was best at – thinking about Edward in all his dazzling and effulgent beauty. Today she would promise to be his forever. She liked the sound of forever but the actual vows gave her the creeps. It couldn't be helped, since her vampire boyfriend was honourable and virtuous to the point of fault (if he wasn't so perfect™, that is). She didn't deserve him.

"Done. Oh, Bella, you look beautiful. Are you ready to do this?" Alice asked, bouncing with excitement. She wore the dress she had ordered as soon as Bella had told her that she was going to be bridesmaid. It was low-cut and 

breathtaking enough not to require elaboration. Suffice to say that it was a dream in lavender.

"Yes, as ready as I will ever be," Bella grumbled. Marrying the man of one's dreams could be so arduous. She zoned out, her mind travelling to her happy place.™

* * *

It was a perfect day, a perfect wedding. The flower arrangements, the guest list, the food and even the music - everything was just so _perfect_. Too perfect to describe in detail, really, or at all. Bella had been grumbling all the way down the stairs that she didn't need a beautiful wedding, that is was too costly by far and that she would have preferred having the ceremony by the dumpster behind her house. Charlie walked her down the aisle, meanwhile trying his best to keep her away from the altar.

"Bella, are you sure you don't want to marry Jacob? He's really devastated about the wedding. If you were a real friend you would dump Edward for him. A good person would do that," he told her in a quiet voice.

Bella very nearly broke down then and there but she could see Edward at the end of the aisle. Her husband to be looked radiant. "But I love Edward and nothing will ever change that, dad!"

Charlie eyed her warily. "Are you quite sure that you feel what you ought to do?"

"Oh, yes! You will only think I feel _more_ than I ought to do."

"He is rich, to be sure, and you may have more fine clothes and cars than Jacob. But will they make you happy?"

Bella wasn't sure why they were reciting _Pride and Prejudice_ but she let it slide and tried to walk faster, which was more of a plight than it ought to be. Not only the high heels of her Manolo Blahniks slowed her down but also her father stemming his full weight into trying to drag her into the opposite direction. Finally, they arrived at the altar.

Edward frowned, the joy in his beautiful eyes overshadowed with sorrow. "Chief Swan, I promise to take care of her. If it made Bella happy I would share her with the do--, er, Jacob Black."

"Edward!" Bella exclaimed, blushing for no reason she dared to think about in more detail.

Edward pulled her out of Charlie's grip and close to his stone-cold chest™. "It is true, my only love. Never before have I loved anyone as completely and 

irrationally as you. You're the brilliant comet™ that lit up my endless night. Without you I'd be lost in eternal darkness. You're the most important--"

"Uhm, I had better leave you two alone then," Charlie interrupted, clearly uncomfortable. Bella blushed even more.

"Let's get this party started," Emmett grinned. Just that morning, he had printed out the marriage licence for the couple. "I want to see my little brother wed because, boy, he needs to have proper marital sex about now."

Edward did not blush, but pulled Bella even closer. "Tonight," he whispered in her ear and she swooned. Luckily, Alice had seen this coming and handed her some smelling salt.

* * *

Edward couldn't believe his luck. The beautiful girl beside him had said yes and now they were married. Edward and Bella Cullen. Well, Edward and Bella Masen. _What's in a name_, he mused. No matter, she was his and nobody would ever take her from him. Until the last minute he had been afraid that she would back out but it had not even been necessary to pretend to be pregnant in order to make her say yes. Not that this was possible for vampires and male ones as such but Bella was such a bad liar that she believed _everything, _even that Jacob had run away. With a blissful smile Edward thought of the remote place where he would bury the body or what was left of it. Heathcliff did indeed have a point.

"Bella, just one minute," Charlie suddenly called from the edge of the garden, gesturing her over. Edward tensed beside her because of the enormous plot hole he had just discovered.

"Love, you should know that Jacob is with him."

"Holy crow!"™ Bella exclaimed, looking horrified. Edward felt the urge the kill the mongrel on the spot for making her feel miserable on her wedding day. "I didn't expect_ him_ to come."

"He's full of surprises," Edward muttered darkly through clenched teeth.

"I'm not sure I want to see him," Bella whispered, almost inaudible, slinging her arms around Edward's waist and clinging tightly to him.

"You should go to him, my love," Edward said, his voice sweet like honey to Bella's ears. He pulled her closer and kissed her hair, inhaling her exquisite scent deeply. He had once told her that she smelt like freesia, which had been an indispensable lie. He hated lying to Bella but the truth would have scared her. One did not tell the love of one's existence that she smelt like bacon. Not even if 

her scent was reminiscent of the most delicious and mouth-watering Serrano ham.

"If you say so," Bella said grudgingly.

"I'll wait here for you, my only love." Edward turned her to face him, smiling, and got the usual reaction as her eyes glazed over. She was dazzled™. _Take that, mongrel!_

* * *

"Look who's here," Charlie said cheerfully as Bella arrived at the edge of the garden and pointed in the direction of the forest. Jacob stood half hidden behind the first row of trees. He stepped closer when he saw Bella and she blushed because he was shirtless and shoeless as usual, his muscled torso oily and manly-looking. She wasn't sure if he hadn't grown even taller but she was certain that she could feel the heat radiating off him, even from where she was standing. The pack could supply the whole reservation with electricity, if they put their minds or rather bodies to it.

"Bells," he greeted her with a smirk. "I'm here to remind you of your Alternative Life™.

Bella heard the capital letters as clearly as if she had seen them.

"Erm, that's nice of you...I suppose. But didn't we do this already a few weeks ago?" she asked, confused.

"That's right. I'm just beating a dead horse here because there needs to be a moral dilemma. And, you know, you chose wrong anyway, so I'm like totally justified."

"What?"

"Charlie and I cannot err," Jacob stated smugly.

Bella rolled her eyes. "This is all very vexing, you know."

"Only if you choose Edward," Charlie noted.

She flew around and stared at her dad in disbelief. "I already did. I married him just now!"

Jacob snorted. "That's easily undone." In two steps he reached her. He spun her around and looked at her, his brown eyes intense. "Just think about it, Bells, we could make babies and you could cook for the entire pack with Leah and Emily. Happy days."

"Uhm, that's not really how I imagined my life to be," said Bella.

"Doesn't matter. It's how we imagine it," countered Charlie, who did not really understand the bit about the pack, but decided not to look too deeply into it as usual. His years with the force had taught him as much. Don't ask, don't tell.

"Women marry, get pregnant and raise kids. That's natural," Jacob claimed assertively.

"It's sexist, that's what it is," Bella protested. A bird was singing nearby. Was it the nightingale or the lark that pierced the fearful hollow of her ear? Not being an ornithologist, she couldn't be sure. She would have to ask Edward as soon as she got back to him. He knew everything.

"Honey, I love you very much but I can't be expected to actually _know _you. I've gone fishing every weekend since your mother left me, which is not your fault, of course, but we both installed our prejudices against long-lasting relationships in you nonetheless. And now you run off and marry _that_ _boy_." Charlie looked surprised by his own rather articulate emotional outburst.

"And you'd be happier if I married Jake and got pregnant right away?" Bella asked, disturbed. "Edward will take me off to college and even pay my tuition – something you should have done, mind you."

Charlie looked down at his feet, a sheepish smile on his face. "I kind of spent all my money on fishing equipment. These scaly bastards are _fierce_ around here."

"Well, that has been a very interesting glimpse into your list of priorities, dad, but now excuse me. I really should get back to my wedding." Bella tried to wriggle out of Jacob's firm grip. She might get bruises but by now she was used to his rough way of showing his love.

She heard his growl before she saw him or smelt his intoxicating scent.

"Let go of her," Edward snarled, pulling Bella into his arms and crossing them protectively in front of her. Bella sighed happily. This was where she belonged after all. Plus, she felt downright incomplete without a set of strong arms holding her up.

Jacob trembled™ and his face was twisted with rage. Still, Bella wished that she could make him feel better. She hated to see her one soul mate so unhappy on the supposedly happiest day of her life. If only there were two Bellas, one for Edward and one for Jacob. The testosterone discharging between them almost knocked her out.

"Well, well, you don't want me to arrest you, do you?" Charlie rumbled.

Bella turned to give him an incredulous look – again. "For what, dad?"

"I'll think of something, sweetie," promised Charlie. Edward looked disgusted.

"Come, my only love, our guests are waiting. I think Esme is desperate to have a word with you on your wedding day." He pecked her on the forehead, which was enough to make Bella dizzy and eager for her wedding night.

* * *

Edward's marble hand held hers gently in an oxymoronic grip as they reentered the garden. It was still as beautiful as a place out of a fairy tale, even though dark clouds loomed threateningly over them, ready to spoil the reception.

And then Bella saw her. She was maybe fourteen years old and wore a pale pink dress. Her shiny mahogany hair reached down to her hips and dark red highlights made it even more remarkable. She had smooth porcelain skin which looked almost as perfect as Edward's.

"Who are you?" Bella asked, stunned by the girl's beauty. The rest of the Cullens appeared out of nowhere and gathered around the newcomer.

"I'm Mary Stephenie Swan," the girl answered amiably in a melodic voice. Her eyes were of a most extraordinary violet shade, framed by amazingly long lashes.

"I have a sister?" Bella turned to the forest and threw her approaching father a withering look.

The girl smiled. "Well, until last week I was only a ball of energy but the monks gave me human form."

"Shiny!" exclaimed Alice.

"Wow!" roared Emmett.

"Pfft," Rosalie snorted and scrutinized her nails.

"The monks." Carlisle nodded, frowning slightly.

"You don't smell like bacon," announced Edward happily.

"How nice," commented Esme.

"Holy crow!"™ shouted Bella and fainted.

Jasper said nothing, staring at the girl's attire. She wore a black cloak. This might have been a good moment to comment on her choice of wardrobe but he shrugged it off.

"My beautiful meteor!"™ Edward cried out in agony and sank down at Bella's side, cradling her to his chest.

"Don't worry, brother. She's fine. Or at least she will be as soon as she has some smelling salts." Alice kneeled down beside them and rummaged in her tiny sparkling bag.

"I could use my special gift to wake her up," Mary Stephenie Swan suggested.

"You have one?" Jasper asked sharply.

"Yes, I can kill you with my brain," Mary Stephenie Swan said meekly. "I won't though, because I like you."

"But you're human," Carlisle countered, worry written all over his handsome features.

"That's a matter of perspective," the former ball of energy answered.

At this point, Bella regained consciousness and took over the narrative perspective once more.

"Oww," she whined and held her head. "What happened?" Edward caressed her cheek with his cold fingers, which felt astonishingly nice. He pulled her up to her feet and Alice smoothed her dress.

"You fainted, love, because you have a little sister, who hasn't been human for more than a few days."

"Wow," Bella said weakly, embarrassed that she was the center of attention again.

"Excuse me," Rosalie asked icily. "Why exactly are you here?"

Mary Stephenie Swan smiled mysteriously. "I can't tell you yet."

"Hey," Charlie said, as he reached their little group. "Why isn't there some music? I want to see my little girl dance." He chuckled heartily at his own little joke. Everyone knew that Bella was too clumsy to dance.

"Marvelous idea, Charlie," Edward said politely. He nodded to his siblings. A few minutes later Alice had her drum sticks ready, Jasper tuned his acoustic guitar, Emmett couldn't wait to play the trumpet and Rosalie held the most exquisite tambourine in her perfectly manicured hands. They would have to do without Edward, since he had to concentrate on preventing Bella from killing herself on the dance floor by accident. Then they played a new and improved version of _Hold on My Heart_.

Everyone was watching her and Edward as he took her hand and pulled her close to him. "I won't let you stumble ever again," he promised and smiled her favorite crooked smile.™ Her knees wobbled dangerously but he kept his promise and held her safely.

After the first refrain, which Jasper delivered in a husky voice that made several women glare with jealousy at Alice, other couples joined Bella and Edward on the dance floor. Esme winked at Bella as she and Carlisle danced past them. Everything was perfect™ until they heard someone clapping loudly.

"Ah, the children of the night! What sweet music they make!" Aro said, clapping enthusiastically. He was dressed in black robes and a similar black cloak as the former ball of energy. His hair was just as black and, despite his cheerfulness, he spread a general aura of threatening blackness. Bella couldn't help but shudder as she detected Jane at his side. Of course, the tiny androgynous vampire did not smile cheerfully. Her ruby red eyes observed their surroundings casually, almost bored. Being evil was apparently not as funny as one would suppose.

"Aro," Carlisle greeted the newcomers, approaching the elder vampire respectfully.

"Carlisle." Aro's smile widened.

"Jane," Carlisle said, resigned.

"Carlisle."

"Alice," Aro called out, waving excitedly at the pixie behind the drums.

"Aro." Alice nodded.

At this point Bella's mind went blank. It had gathered too much boring and uninspired dialogue for one day. That's also when she tripped and staked the fluffy bunny with the heel of her Manolo Blahnik but thankfully she had no recollection of this, either. It would have ripped another piece out of her already battered and battle-worn heart. The fluffy rodent did not die for nothing though. Jasper made sure of that.

When Bella zoomed in again, they were inside the Cullens' house with all the other guests conveniently gone.

"So, Aro, to what or who do we owe this visit?" Carlisle asked conversationally.

"The happy bride naturally," Aro chuckled. "She is the most ordinary human with special talents I ever came across."

The others looked unconvinced. Later, Alice would tell Bella that Aro was an infamous wedding crasher and had appeared at two of Rosalie's and Emmett's weddings for no apparent reason.

"I asked him to come," Mary Stephenie Swan said. Bella had all but forgotten about her sister and gaped at her. She was even more beautiful than Bella remembered. Someone so dazzling could not be evil, so the fact that she wore a black cloak and was with the Volturi was pure coincidence. It had to be.

"Ah, dearest Mary. My favorite daughter can be so persuasive." Aro smiled, his papery skin stretching over his cheekbones in a way that gave Bella the creeps.

"Wait, didn't you say she was my sister?" Bella blurted. Jane rolled her strangely blank eyes.

"Yes, Bella, I am your sister, but Aro here adopted me. It's all very complicated and you wouldn't understand, I'm afraid," Mary Stephenie Swan said in a voice sweet as honey.

Aro let out a cheerful laugh. "Isn't she just precious? My dear Jane has befriended her on the spot, haven't you, dear?"

Jane's expression did not change in the slightest. "Yes, Master."

"But why did the monks give you human form?" Carlisle asked frowning.

"Love, don't you think it's inappropriate to talk about a potentially complex plot line when Bella and Edward just got married?" Esme asked gently. "They are dying to have some privacy and I'm afraid I'll have to talk to Bella first."

"Oh, how rude of me. Bella, Edward, can you forgive me?" Carlisle asked, chagrined™, his topaz eyes on both of them. Bella realized only then that she was sitting on the couch in the Cullens' living room and that Edward had been holding her hand the entire time.

"Of course," Edward said formally but Bella detected a hint of nervousness in his voice. It was contagious. Her stomach felt as if it was filled with bees and she swallowed thickly.

"Don't let me deter you," Aro told them and turned to Alice and Jasper. "Alice, would your little band be averse to playing that delightful blues version of _Sympathy for the Devil _you came up with last time?"

"Not at all," Alice replied but there was little enthusiasm in her voice.

"Bella." Esme got up and held out her hand. Trembling slightly, Bella took it and followed her mother-in-law into the kitchen.

"Why don't you take a seat over there?" Esme asked smiling. "Have a cookie." She offered Bella a bear-shaped, porcelain cookie jar. The cookies in it were black and smelt funny. Inexplicably, everything Esme cooked or baked turned out inedible, despite her superhuman senses and her devotion to domestic chores.

"Sorry, not hungry," Bella whispered, her stomach lurching. If she ate any of these she would spend her wedding night in the bathroom.

"I can see that you're nervous," Esme said, getting to the point.

"Well, yes," Bella admitted and blushed.™

Esme smiled warmly. "I am sure that Edward has been a gentleman." She faltered. "I'm not sure how much young ladies of today know about the things to expect during their wedding night. Do you have any questions?"

Bella very much wanted to ask if she would survive but this was a question she would have to ask Alice. In fact, she already had. Strange how she had almost forgotten that. It was as if she mulled over the same things over and over again.

Oh, did Edward really love her?

"Bella, dear?" Esme looked a little worried.

"I'm fine," Bella replied, her voice higher than usual. "I'm nervous but I guess that's normal. I mean, even for couples where both partners are human."

"Yes, I remember my own wedding rather well. I didn't love my husband but my family expected me to consent to his proposal. He never raped me but he wasn't very tender, either," Esme said as casually as if she were talking about jumping off a cliff at the death of her child. She approached delicate subjects with her unique brand of frankness. Esme was good like that. "But then Carlisle rescued me and after I got over the whole vampire thing we didn't leave the bed for a month."

"Uhm, thanks for sharing," Bella mumbled, blushing™.

"You just try to enjoy yourself. There is nothing to be afraid of. Well, apart from Edward's incredible strength and the fact that he might knock you up with a cambion."

"What?" Bella gasped, losing all color. She knew that a cambion was the offspring between a mortal woman and an incubus because she had Googled it™.

"Oh, sorry, was this too blunt to count as foreshadowing? I knew I should have told you the story about Tanya's and Irina's mother instead."

Bella could only stare at her mother-in-law. Edward was dead, so how could a pregnancy occur? It was impossible. Someone nearby cleared her throat.

"This is one of my special powers, by the way," Mary Stephenie Swan said. "I can revoke irrevocable facts of this universe."

"You might want to hold back on this one then," Bella said firmly. "The mere thought of becoming a mother at eighteen freaks me out. Besides, I opted against human kids, I don't want to get started on cambions."

Mary Stephenie Swan pouted. "Oh, all right. It could have been fun. Edward would have flipped."

All three of them laughed heartily for no particular reason. It seemed like the thing to do.

"So…are we finished?" Bella asked, her stomach lurching again at the thought of seeing Edward in all his marble glory.

Esme smiled and leaned down to press a kiss on Bella's forehead. "She's all yours," she said and in the blink of an eye Edward stood beside them and scooped Bella up in his arms.

"Have fun," Aro called from the living room.

Having her safely secured in his stone arms, Edward carried Bella up to his room and set her down next to the bed. She turned to look at him and her breath caught. His liquid topaz eyes were smoldering.™

Inexplicably, he didn't close the distance to kiss her but moved aside, silent and swift like a shadow. Only a few seconds later he stood before her in khaki trousers and a very white starched shirt.

"Is there a reason you're dressed like a colonial lord of the manor out of those romance novels I never read because I stick to the classics?" Bella asked.

Edward smiled her favorite crooked smile.™ "So impatient. Of course there is a reason. We're going on our honeymoon."

"Now?" Disappointment nearly knocked her off her feet.

"Don't worry, love, we'll arrive swiftly at our desired destination," Edward murmured, his dazzling, angelic face bright with excitement.

"OK," Bella replied meekly. "When are we leaving?"

"As soon as we have you out of your wedding dress and in more appropriate attire." Edward grinned mischievously and Bella had to swallow hard. The thought of undressing in front of her perfect husband made her feel very human and very inadequate. "What are you thinking, love?" Edward frowned at her expression.

"Nothing. Just…I want to leave," Bella said lamely, grateful that Edward couldn't read her thoughts.

"As you wish." His voice was as smooth as velvet. Bella shouldn't have worried because Edward was truly good at everything, even at undoing tiny buttons, nooses and clasps. She shivered under his gentle touch and not only from the coldness of his deft fingers. Now she understood why Alice had insisted on the champagne-colored French lingerie.

"Edward, are you all right?" she asked timidly after a moment. Edward hadn't moved since her dress had fallen to the floor with a soft rustling noise.

"Let's hurry up," he said in a very low voice and, with movements too fast for her eyes, he collected the evening dress from the bed and handed it to her. Confused, she put it on without further ado. Didn't he find her in the least bit 

attractive? "Ready, Bella?" She looked up and saw him tapping his foot impatiently, his eyes burning with hunger. She felt herself blushing under his intense stare.™

"Won't I need…erm, stuff?"

"All settled. Now, come on, spider monkey." He held out his arms and she stepped willingly in his embrace. Suddenly, there was a whooshing sound and an intense feeling of dizziness made her close her eyes and hold her breath. When she opened them again, she stood on a stony beach. She could smell the saltiness of the sea and hear the waves breaking on the shore.

"Edward, where are we?"

"We're in Maine. This is a private beach our family bought about sixty years ago. It goes with a very nice house," Edward informed her cheerfully.

"Oh," made Bella. "But how did we get here?"

"The three Ds: destination, determination and deliberation." There was obviously nothing Edward couldn't do. She didn't deserve him.

"I'm…this is just _wow_." Bella looked around but couldn't see much due to the darkness.

"Your luggage is in the house. How about a night swim before we go up?" Edward's eyes were burning gems in the dark and Bella could only nod. There was a cool breeze and Maine wasn't exactly a tropical island. But before she could protest, he gave her a boyish smile and walked into the water fully clothed. Bella followed slowly.

The water was very cold and very dark and the sheer shock of it made her gasp. But Edward pulled her into his arms immediately, holding her steady.

"Wow, you don't feel cold anymore," Bella marveled.

He chuckled. "Yes, I figured you'd enjoy it for a short while."

Her teeth started shattering but he felt glorious against her, the white shirt clinging to his marble chest, his skin glowing silver in the pale moonlight. When he kissed her, the sea seemed to grow wilder around them. Eventually, he swooped her up.

"I promised we would try," he murmured, his voice husky but still very beautiful and melodious. Bella was too cold to shiver or answer and only nodded, dazed.

Without any effort he carried her toward the villa-like house. Bella didn't really pay attention, caught up in her beautiful angel as she was. They entered through the glass doors on the wide porch and Edward carried her through a dark room and set her down before what soon turned out to be an impressive and skilfully hewn marble fireplace. A fire roared to life instantaneously after Edward had turned the regulator.

Her dress clung to her like a second skin and she shivered a little from the sudden heat but not for long. Ugh, she needed to change her dress. Or not. She felt his eyes before she lifted her head. They were smoldering again and she blushed helplessly under his burning gaze. He had removed his shirt, so his chest was bare. Before the scene could fade to black she directed her attention elsewhere. Only now did she realize that she was dripping on an incredibly soft bearskin.

"Emmett collects them," Edward answered her unspoken question. Oh. Well, this made sense. And then his lips were on hers and he was kissing her with an hitherto unknown passion. Her heartbeat exhilarated like whoa. Before she knew it they were both naked. It seemed like Edward was eager for this after all. His hands felt incredible against her breasts and she whimpered when he kissed his way down her body.

"You need to tell me when you're ready, love," he murmured softly.

Was he kidding her? "We've had two years of foreplay," she told him and arched under his cold hands. He smiled her favorite crooked smile before his long fingers found her and made her gasp. She felt his hard muscles move when he came to lie on top of her. His angelic face was tense but his eyes lingered on her trembling body with longing and adoration.

And then the fire flared up and went out, leaving the room in utter darkness.

* * *

"Wow," she said later. "I shouldn't be surprised but _wow_. It was perfect.™" Bella had been snuggling against the marble statue that was her husband for quite a while until she noticed that he was strangely unresponsive. She turned in his stony embrace and saw that his expression was grim. "Edward, what's wrong?"

Reluctantly, he turned his head to look at her. "I hurt you," he gritted out through clenched teeth. "It was foolish to endanger your life like that. You could be dead, Bella!"

"Edward, it's called _the little death_ for a reason but I think you misinterpreted --"

"That is not it," he growled.™ "I bruised your neck!"

"Huh?" Bella was perplexed and extracted herself from the marble Adonis next to her. Edward must have carried her upstairs because they were no longer in front of the fireplace but in a huge, blindingly white bedroom. A look in the mirror over 

her bed stand enlightened her about the meaning behind Edward's words and she burst out laughing.

"What is so funny about me losing control in the most unforgivable manner?" He looked vivid.

"Edward, would you please calm down? You made me a hickey, that's all. Humans do it to each other all the time," Bella explained quickly. Granted, it was a big purplish hickey which covered half her neck but she wouldn't complain, now that he had given her everything she ever wanted. Holy crow, he was still naked! A naked Edward shouldn't be moping.

"Oh," the object of her daydreams said. He looked skeptical but decidedly less grouchy.

"So now that this is out of the way," Bella said, blushing and hiding behind her hair, "care to do it again?"

Edward's face lit up, turning him into the most glorious and breathtaking man on the planet. "If I haven't worn you out," he said, grinning, and held the blanket up, inviting her back into the bed. Without further ado she slid back into his arms.

"I think I'm supposed to be sore," Bella mumbled against his icy-cold neck. "But your, uhm, _you know what_ was quite cool and soothing."

She could actually feel his grin growing into a slightly embarrassed smile. "I reckon this must have been, er, uncomfortable. Bella, love, why didn't you tell me?"

Did he ever listen to the actual words she said? Bella sighed. "I'm fine. Really. I told you, it was perfect." Little by little, she was losing touch with her postcoital buzz™. What if he hadn't enjoyed himself? What if she had been inadequate? What if he had decided that he didn't want her that way ever again?

"Bella, your heart is racing. What are you thinking?" he murmured and pressed a soft kiss against her temple.

"I'm fine," she replied automatically. "Just…did you…like it, too?"

Too quick for her to react, she lay on her back with him hovering above her. "Silly Bella.™ It was the most intense and incredible experience of my existence. I would not want to miss one second of it. I would never have dreamt that being so close to you would make me feel so…_alive_." His eyes were smoldering again and his sweet breath made her dizzy with want. She was prepared for his kiss but when he opened her lips with his tongue, her heart missed a beat. His hands started roaming over her body and made her shiver in a very, very good way. She reached for his shoulders for support when the room faded to black once more, preventing terms like_ burgeoning manhood _and_ throbbing engorged member _from invading her no longer virginal mind.

* * *

The ringing of a cell phone pierced her warm and fuzzy dreams. She cracked an eye open to see Edward reach for the cell on his bed stand.

"Yes," he hissed. She knew something was wrong when he bolted upright. "You saw the Volturi coming to check on Bella? Alice, have you lost your mind? Aro was _in our house_ when we left. Uh-huh. So that's how it feels when your visions are a little late, yes Alice? I can't believe you. No, we're going to talk about this later." He snapped the cell phone shut and threw it across the room.

Bella sat up, biting her lip anxiously. "What is it?"

"Oh, apparently Alice missed that Aro's visit wasn't solely social," Edward spat out. Bella's heart sank. "We'd better not return with you still being human. I can't believe she didn't see that. Now I'm stuck here without Carlisle and Jasper to keep me in check and make you as comfortable as possible. What if I drain you?" Edward grew more and more agitated and started tearing his hair. The sight pierced Bella to the core. How could she allow him to tear at his gorgeous bronze-colored hair?

"I trust you to be able to stop," she vowed fiercely. "You stopped when you were sucking James's venom out and you'll be able to stop now."

"But your soul!" Edward cried out in anguish. Despite his distress he was still the most beautiful thing Bella had ever seen. And now she would finally become worthy of him!

"It already belongs to you," she said, a little dazed by the cheesy dialogue and the prospect of being bitten after all this to and fro. "And, hey, when we're back, I can play baseball with you."

Her feeble attempt to lighten the mood failed. Edward shook his head, his face a hard, expressionless mask. "_If_ we're making it back. You're too trusting, Bella."

"No, you're lacking faith, Edward. I want this and you promised," she said, tears welling up in her eyes. He was instantly at her side.

"Don't cry," he murmured, chagrined. "I'm sorry."

Bella sniffed. "I love you."

"I love you, too. Do you want to do something before I…" his voice trailed off but Bella knew only too well how this sentence was going to end. He would have to give in to his instincts and drink the blood he had been craving for too long. He 

would have to kill her without actually killing her. Another climax, this time literary, was just around the corner.

"No, I'm ready. Well, I'd like a last human minute. My legs need shaving and I'll have to pluck my eyebrows and I'd like to take a shower. Edward, this is going to be painful, right? So what am I supposed to wear?"

Edward clenched his teeth. "Alice told me that she packed you an outfit. Just in case."

* * *

Her hair was moist when she came back into the room. Bella wore the long, midsummer night blue silk dress Alice had meant her to wear, even though she hated silk with the passion of a thousand suns. Strangely enough, she wasn't scared. This wasn't the end. She was married, she was no longer a virgin, and soon enough she wouldn't be a klutz either. This wasn't going to be the summer of her discontent.

"Edward," she said softly. He stood at the window. It was twilight.™ He looked tense. Slowly, she approached him and embraced him from behind. He sighed and turned around, resting his head on top of hers.

"You smell so good when you're wet," he said, echoing his own words from almost two years ago.

"I'm ready," whispered Bella. He led her over to the bed and begged her to lie down.

"This is going to hurt," he told her, his golden eyes burning.

"Not as much as giving birth to a cambion," she joked.

"Bella, please."

"OK, I'm serious. I want this, Edward. I want forever with you."

He came to lie next to her and cradled her in his arms. This felt nice, even though his grip was less tender than usual. His breathing was a little labored. And then it hit her. _This was really happening._ Suddenly, she felt an adrenaline rush.

"Now?" she asked, her heart thumping hectically against her ribcage.

"Yes," he answered, his voice strangely rough. "Forgive me, love." And then she felt his lips against her neck. He kissed her there before he bit down. The pain was sharp and real. Her blood rushed to the place he was sucking. She grew weaker with every draw but she didn't even think of struggling.

"I trust you," she murmured weakly. His moan was deep and agonized as he finally pulled away. Her head lolled to the side. And then another kind of pain spread inside her, burning her veins from the inside.

Oh God, she was burning alive! She heard her sweet angel's voice but she couldn't make out the words.

The rest was silence.

* * *

The first thing she noticed, when her heart stopped beating, was that the pain was gone. The second thing was that she had mad mathematical skills. It took her exactly the fourteenth part of a second to open her eyes, spot Edward hovering beside her, take in every detail of the room, realize that everything was clearer, louder and generally more awesome, and that she was no longer dressed.

"What happened to my dress?" she said in an amazingly melodious voice.

"You scratched yourself and tore it off," Edward replied. He looked haunted. Oops, she may have screamed and cursed the day she met him a lot. Oh, there was something shiny in the corner of the room. Who knew dust could be so pretty?

"Bella?" Edward asked anxiously. Her gaze snapped back to him. "Words cannot express how sorry I am for what I did to you. I am truly a monster. I condemned you to two nights of excruciating pain and an eternity as a soulless creature of the night."

"Wow, you're no longer perfect," she marveled, not listening to a word he said. In fact, his right eye was a four hundredth millimeter higher than his left eye.

He smiled reluctantly. "But you are," he said. She sat up abruptly and bolted out of the bed, looking for a mirror. Wow, she was breathtaking. Not that she recognized herself but if this wasn't a window with a naked supermodel on the other side, she was stunning. She dazzled herself. Awesome vampire looks, she had them!

"How long did it take?" she asked, admiring her curves, which were now in all the right places.™

Edward's eyes followed her hungrily. "Two days. I phoned Carlisle and he said that this was a good thing. Your body fought and your heart pumped the blood quicker through your body, spreading the venom effectively. Do you feel up to vampire sex?"

Bella turned around, which took her exactly 243 milliseconds. Another split second and he was naked beneath her. Wow, this speed thing was really handy!

Five minutes and thirty six seconds later, they fell apart, sated. Well, in one respect. Her throat was killing her.

"Edward, why does my throat feel as if someone poured molten metal in?"

He cursed under his breath. "Sorry, Bella, I forgot that you must be thirsty. We're going to hunt!" Forty thousand eight hundred and three milliseconds later they were fully dressed and climbed into a jeep in the garage.

"Uhm, OK," Bella said. "How many cars do you all have?"

"A few," Edward grinned and started the engine. They listened to _Breaking the Habit_ by Linking Park on the way. Edward drove straight into a forest which was inexplicably but conveniently nearby. They parked the car in a breach in the tree line. Edward took her hand, pulled her out of the car and headed into the thick forest. She half expected him to pull her onto his back but then remembered that she would be able to keep up with him now. It was the most natural thing in the world to break into a run. Trees and undergrowth whooshed by. She never let go of his hand. Abruptly he came to a halt and she nearly crashed into him. Luckily, the thirtieth second she had to react was enough.

"Wow, this was amazing," she gasped. Edward smiled her favorite crooked smile™ and pointed her in the direction of a clearing nearby.

"Can you smell them?" he asked in a whisper. Her nostrils flared and she took in the most delicious smell. Roast turkey had nothing on whatever this was.

"Yes," she whispered back, her throat scratchy and dry from thirst.

"Just act on your instincts and you'll be fine," Edward told her and squeezed her hand. She did. She was drawn to the delicious meal right behind these trees and followed it. There were four deer, one of them looking exactly like Bambi. She didn't care. Bambi's final minute had come. She crouched and targeted the closest animal. Bambi's mother or so it seemed. Within half a second she was on her prey and sank her teeth into its jugular vein. The blood was hot and delicious on her lips and felt like honey as it rolled down her aching throat. She had never tasted anything so good. In fact, they should get Bambi in the car to have a thirst quencher for the way.

"You drained it," Edward said when her draws were growing more desperate. She realized that he had fed, too, but more effectively and quicker than she had.

"Are there more?" she asked, her voice vibrating with new energy.

Edward chuckled. "Yes." His skin was slightly rosy from the meal. The scene felt familiar.

"This reminds me of our meadow," she said, surprised. "Well, sans the cadavers but you know what I mean."

Edward's glorious face broke into a wide smile. She felt another urge resurfacing. But suddenly another scent distracted her. It was not a good one. Eww, it was disgusting. Edward snarled and came to stand protectively in front of her.

"What is it?" she asked quietly.

Edward didn't answer, his eyes fixed on a little inconspicuous shrubbery. Something moved behind it, moved through it. And then she saw the huge wolf. She knew instantly who it was.

"Jake?" she asked incredulously. The wolf growled. "Edward, what is he doing here in Maine?"

"He ran here," Edward gritted out.

"Why?"

"Because he wanted to prevent your change."

"That's absurd. He knew it was coming."

"Yes, but there is something else," Edward said and a curious note had crept into his voice.

"Yes, there is me," Mary Stephenie Swan, who had just materialized out of thin air, told them. She smelt different. Bella felt sick to the stomach by her distinctive scent.

"You stink," she accused the beautiful girl. Edward, who had gripped her arms firmly, chuckled and relaxed his hold.

"What?" Bella asked, confused.

"Your power just made itself known. Apparently, you can't stand the smell that tortures most of us. You don't like the smell of human blood, Bella," her husband explained.

"Oh." Well, this was convenient.

"I knew all along, of course," Mary Stephenie Swan said. "By the way, I followed Jacob to keep him from hurting you and that's when he kind of, er, imprinted on me."

Bella let out a fierce snarl. "You imprinted on my mysterious half-sister? Change back at once, Jacob Black!"

The wolf whimpered.

"He's sorry, Bella. He didn't choose this," Edward said, sounding just a little gleeful.

"It could be worse. Imagine he had imprinted on your daughter," Mary Stephenie Swan said, shrugging. She wore a beautiful, short khaki dress that emphasized her budding breasts.

"What?" Edward asked, perplexed.

"Oh right, we cancelled that story line due to popular demand," the former ball of energy said. The wolf huffed appreciatively. "Sheesh, you guys just can't take a joke."

"Now what? Are you staying in Forks?" Bella asked the younger girl.

"For a while, yes. Aro wants me back in Volterra but I'm going to be pregnant with three human-werewolf-energy ball hybrids. You two are going to be godparents."

"How do you know all this?" Edward asked, suspicious.

"I can't tell you. This is going to be in the sequel. Incidentally, what do you guys think of Renella and Isesme? And how does Jakill sound to you?"

"Jekyll?" Bella couldn't follow.

"No, _Ja_kill after Billie and Jacob. I thought making up new names would be awesome. After all, our children will be special and unique."

"Don't you think this will expose your kids to a lifetime of mockery?" Bella asked her half-sister.

"Nah, they're going to be too powerful and perfect."

Bella needed a moment to process all this news. It wasn't all bad. Jacob had imprinted, which nullified his bond with her. And she and Edward were going to be godparents! They could spoil the kids without having to bother with the boring stuff. And she couldn't find a reason not to like her gifted, amazing sister. She was perfect for Jacob.

She looked questioningly at Edward but he only shrugged. A ringtone broke the silence.

"I thought you smashed your cell the day you bit me?" Bella asked as Edward searched his pockets for his phone.

"I did," he replied without looking up.

"It's mine," Mary Stephenie Swan said and pulled a sleek pink cell phone out of thin air. "Hello? Uh-hum. Yes. I see. How amazing! Wow. Yeah, I'll let them know. See you all."

"So?" Edward looked expectant, his glorious face shimmering in the moonlight. It had turned dark without Bella noticing.

"Aro travelled back to Volterra because Jasper's scars gave him the heebie-jeebies. Rosalie found a puppy in the woods and adopted it. She calls her Tinkerbell. And your dad and Billie moved in together, which surprised no one but Leah's mom. Oh, and Esme rebuilt you a cottage in the woods, so you're settled."

"I see," Bella said, stunned by this surprising turn of events.

"We're going to return to Forks in a few days. I can't wait to tell the family about your wholly unexpected power, Bella," Edward said excitedly, "but I'd rather have a little alone time before." His eyes smoldered again.

Bella would have blushed if she had still blood in her veins. The wolf made a huffing sound and Bella could have sworn he rolled his eyes. Mary Stephenie Swan only chuckled and petted the huge wolf at her side.

"Where are you staying?" Bella asked her half-sister.

"Oh, don't worry. Jake and I are staying here in the woods. It's already dark, so there is no need to fade to black. And I can conjure up a bed for us."

"Wow," Bella said, awed. This was the most incredible day.

"Let's go home, love," Edward murmured in her ear and squeezed her hand. She shivered and suddenly felt mentally exhausted. The recent events just didn't seem to come to an end. It had been an eventful first day in her new, perfect life.

They were back in the car when a strange feeling came over her. "Edward, you know…I can't help it. Doesn't it seem like something is missing?" Bella asked her beautiful Greek statue of a husband, who drove them back to the house on the beach.

"What do you mean, love?" Edward asked, looking immediately chagrined.™

"I don't know," Bella said, frowning. (A few days later she would remember her best friend and mother, Renée, who had failed to show up at the wedding. Bella would be a little hurt but would then decide not to judge her too quickly, at least not before checking her email. And Renée had indeed written her. Phil had broken his little toe and thus she couldn't leave his side to appear at her only daughter's wedding. Bella would not be mad at her. Instead, she would feel guilty for having put her scatter-brained and easy-going mom under so much pressure. She should have waited another month with the wedding. She should have asked Alice to check on Phil! It would all be her fault! But luckily, this was still in the future.)

When they arrived home, all sobering thoughts were forgotten. Bella was a newborn vampire and this was her first night of being a dazzling beauty. Judging by the constant smoldering of his eyes, Edward seemed to approve of the changes her body had gone through. She was finally his equal.

They took a shower and then went for another night swim in the ocean. Their bodies were now equally pale and silvery in the moonlight. When Edward kissed her, his lips felt hot against hers. Wow, he had been holding back on her! Before the moon could disappear behind clouds to leave them in utter darkness, Bella pulled him closer and decided that she could do this forever and ever and ever and ever.

_THE END_

* * *

_Reviews are always welcome, so please take a minute and let me know what you think!_


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